July 31, 2008 § Leave a comment
I want to run.
- I want to run until my legs want to fall off.
- I want to run until my heart no longer beats in anxiety or desperation.
- I want to run until my mind knows of nothing but my breath, my muscles and joints, and my sweat.
- I want to run until my only desire is oxygen and water and ground to tread over.
- I want to run until the rhythm of my footsteps and my breath becomes ingrained in my pulse forever and evermore.
July 25, 2008 § Leave a comment
I’ve been fascinated these days with the notion of grad study at RISD. Here I go again with new ideas all the time, one semi-whimsical/semi-obsession-induced marathon after another, but this is my way of dealing. I just finished my last day of summer school, and I’m looking forward to the start of the fall semester in three weeks so I can dive into a slew of design classes and start working on my design portfolio for my application in about two-ish years.
But first, this marathon. Training, Recital Prep, Fundraising, and sleep. Concentrate, Katrina, and follow through. I keep forgetting to breathe. Has Hapkido taught me nothing?
A more useful update once I have something positive to report.
P.S. I keep daydreaming about pianos. This is good, this is very good. I have also been acquainting myself with the Prokofiev piano sonatas… I recommend them.
July 11, 2008 § Leave a comment
When I was in high school, I always found that a preemptive, remorseful confession to my mom about the poor grades on my upcoming report card always made her reaction to it gentle and sweet instead of terrifyingly livid. I was always so baffled by this hardly-credible phenomenon that I reserved this cherished tactic–like a favorite t-shirt or lucky pair of underwear or socks–for only very special occasions, when I felt my moral strength to be weakest.
That said, I have a confession to make.
I mentioned before that I had not been running (or practicing) well because I had not been sleeping well. Perhaps I have not been sleeping well in part because I have been eating like crap, in part because my room has persisted in being a dreadful mess for weeks without relief, and what kind of person can be expected to find such an environment sufficiently relaxing? And perhaps I have been eating like crap because the mess in our kitchen dissuades me from preparing healthy meals properly, and perhaps my room is a mess because I am just too tired to want to deal with it.
Well, whatever excuses I have are not important. These vices end now. No, perhaps that’s too declarative and storybook-like a statement. The truth is that I have been battling this, like everyone else does, for as long as I can remember, and hating myself (in varying degrees) continually for them. I don’t enjoy hating myself. I need to make this happen. For myself. For this marathon. For all these crazy goals and dreams I’ve been conjuring up for myself during these past couple of weeks. I won’t keep sinking into this slump; I’ll claw my way back to solid ground somehow.
I’m glad I have this marathon looming ahead of me. It’s giving me that extra prod right now to keep trying.
July 7, 2008 § Leave a comment
6/30 M: 2.17 mi (15 min)
7/1 T: 5.95 mi (50 min)
7/2 W: no time
7/3 R: 5.95 mi (50 min)
7/4 F: 5.95 mi (1 hr)
7/5 St: not enough sleep
7/6 Sn: failure—intended 13 mi, instead ran 2 mi and turned around: not enough sleep
Week Total: 22 miles
The week before went great, but this week I had so much trouble getting to sleep after work. Depression started kicking in. But bad sleep means bad running, so I need to do something about this—sleeping pills, slapping myself and just getting over it—whatever it takes, as long as I don’t gravitate towards the computer again.
Taking today off, too. I’ll kick it back in tomorrow, because I will get a good night’s sleep tonight. This is the problem for saving long runs for when they’re scheduled instead of getting them all in when you’re feeling up for it. I think I’ll use the online marathon schedule more as a flexible minimum-guideline. I’ve got a fairly good idea of how my body works by now, anyhow, and I seem to be pretty capable of whipping up a 40- or 50-mile week out of nowhere, as last week shows (I hadn’t done very much consistent running the couple of weeks before that).
I need NIN on an iPod again.