Time for one of these things again.
August 26, 2009 § 1 Comment
It’s been an eventful past few days.
On Tuesday I went for a run in Golden Gate Park with my friend Nikki. I love running with her because she’s fun to talk to, lives close-by, and runs at such an agreeable pace. I’d been stressed out about things lately, and was running low on sleep and fuel, but I felt just fine when we started out, so I shrugged off the sluggishness of earlier that morning and off we went. About twenty or thirty minutes into the run, we stopped at an intersection to decide which way to continue. I tried to tell her that I didn’t think I could go too much further because I was becoming a little short of breath, but my vision started to blur. Next thing I know, I hear her calling my name repeatedly, and I think that she is trying to wake me up for class in the morning. It wasn’t until I tasted dirt in my mouth that I realized that I wasn’t in my bed, and slowly the Billie Jean that was playing in the background faded away as I rolled over and remembered where we were.
Apparently I was only out for a second or two, but I scraped my face, my shoulder, my knee, and the backs of both my hands when I went down. I felt fine when I got up, though—somehow my head had cleared and my breathing had become regular again. It was kind of exciting, really… I’d never fainted before, though I suppose I may have come close to it a couple of times. And I’m rather proud of all these running scars I get periodically. But thank goodness Nikki was there with me, and thank goodness I fell onto dirt and not concrete.
I’ve been going through a rough spot, though. It’s interesting how much thinking your brain does when you’re in emotional turmoil. It needs to cycle through reasons and solutions, decipher recollections of preceding events, all in an attempt to make sense of the situation and figure out how to get through it. It’s no wonder I feel so exhausted. And sleepless. And strangely enough, my appetite has been diminishing rather astonishingly, which perplexes me because such a thing so rarely happens.
And yet it’s not really so bitter. I do ache sometimes, so much that I almost think that I feel physically ill (just slightly), but I always return to these moments of calm, inspiration, and optimism. It’s an interesting juxtaposition, but I prefer it to how I used to feel during similar periods. There are times when I don’t know how I’m going to get through the semester in the state that I’m in, but after a while I’m overcome with anticipation of how much I can accomplish, of how much I have to look forward to with the ideas and thoughts and experiences that I’ve learned… from the very thing that causes such aching now. The truth is that I have learned so much, and grown a lot as a person. I’m so different than how I was a year ago, and I’m glad of it. It’s the kind of education you absorb unconsciously, which seeps into your brain gently and persuasively. It’s inspired new aspirations in me. I feel a need to prove myself to myself.
I’m learning more even now that it’s over, now that I can take a small step back to examine it from a different view. I’m realizing more about how I think and act, the things that I long for, the restrictions I place upon myself. It’s hard to explain because I’m being very vague out of necessity. I really do consider today to be made of those precious moments that you file away and pore over from time to time. Probably because I’m still in love. And I’m still learning from it.
I always feel a need to thoroughly re-evaluate myself after going through a break-up. Naturally, relationships call for slight compromises here and there, and I need to know what parts of me revert to how they were before, and what parts of me are new additions. How much have I changed? How much of me did I try to change? Somehow, this time I don’t feel as though I need to re-adjust myself as much as usual. Maybe I am slowly getting closer to finding myself.
I have a lot to do—my two logo projects are moving forward, and my classes are giving me a good challenge. I’m taking a little time to deal with a little heartache, but I’m all the better for it, and these things do happen. The lessons learned are worth it.
I want to be done with school and start my career. I want to feel free to move to whatever part of the country that I need to, and I want to earn enough money to live in the more city-ish section of a city and have my own piano. I want to be physically healthier and more environmentally and politically conscious. I want to meet lots of people and make lots of connections, to exchange ideas and information and work. I want to feel comfortable with myself, enough to travel on my own. I want to live among good public transit, a body of water, people and events. I want to challenge myself artistically. I want to be less skittish, and realize that I can worry less about the future, because I do worry more than I need to.
The amazing thing is that everything that happened was entirely by chance.