May 31, 2010 § Leave a comment
(Has it really been a month and a half since my last post?)
Every now and then I’m reminded of the fact that, at 24, I am considered an adult. It doesn’t feel that way, since I’m still in school and have yet to start my career, and also since I still feel like a kid because I don’t have most of life’s answers like I thought all adults should when I was younger. Thankfully, life isn’t separated in a clear-cut way between kid and adult, because if it were I would be nothing but one big fat failure right now.
Well, the time I was looking forward to has finally arrived. I kept longing for the semester to end and for the summer to begin and last forever, so I could enjoy this precious morsel of time that I have left in San Francisco. Really, living in San Francisco was never part of my original plan. I should have been in Boston, but ended up here when that plan fell through because this was the default location for me to regroup my thoughts and decide what to do. Two and a half years. Oh, how young I must have been back then. It’s been quite a journey from there to here.
So here I am with two months left in this city that I’ve grown more and more accustomed to. I’m sort of caught in the moment, something that is both exhilarating and tortuous. I feel like time is crunching up against my August 7 deadline, and there’s this creeping anxiety that time is just running out. I want the present and I want the future, and since I want both, my head is getting a little bewildered. Like always, getting worked up over little things. I could tell myself that these little things really don’t matter down the road, but where’s the fun in that? I take such pleasure in this discomfort. Right now it’s like an invisible hand squeezing my heart and lungs, so that I’m short of breath, but at least I know I’m alive.
Because stability is way too taboo.