April 3, 2011 § Leave a comment
I feel dangerously close to having an anxiety attack. I partly blame the macchiato I had a half hour ago. Caffeine is evil.
The cynic within me has been torturing me all week with whispers in my brain about my imminent failure and images of my classmates and teachers being disgusted with my atrocious lack of talent. I’m scared and demoralized, but I can’t let this get the best of me or I will never amount to anything and I will live a life filled with misery. There has to be a way to fight this. Maybe less thinking and more doing is the solution. Being paralyzed with fear never did anyone any good.
I knew this would be difficult. I’m better than I was back in August, and I know this for a fact. No one ever does anything perfectly, but those who we look up to are relentless in trying. I’m not doomed to fail. The fact is, progressing from where I was to something awesome requires struggle and occasional failures, but ones that encourage learning and improvement. I can’t beat myself up over it, and I can’t let myself get stuck and preoccupied over these things. I need to learn to worry less, to be more brash and fearless, yet at the same time thoughtful and analytical. What’s the worse that can happen? Being in school is the best time to fall flat on my face, and if I can’t deal with doing that while I’m here, life is going to pretty difficult from here on out. I am scared as all hell, but I need to barge through these last six weeks of the semester without any second thoughts.
If all else fails, I can always flee New York and move somewhere where no will knows about my history of little design flubs.