Everyone is at least as unhappy as I am—some are just more in denial than others.

February 27, 2012 § Leave a comment

That’s my new theory anyway—that believing that will allow me to just get on with my life already.

What is this terrible quest for happiness anyway? Doesn’t it sort of set you up for disappointment? We can’t expect to find true happiness from a relationship, or from a successful career, or from losing the ten pounds we always wanted to lose. We’ll never be as happy as we imagine we could be, right? Perhaps momentarily, but the darker periods will come and go more often than we think they ought. It’s easy to believe that happiness should be constant and eternal. But why should it be? Happiness is a means, not an end. Instead we should strive to be productive, helpful, compassionate, responsible, thoughtful, creative. In other words, we shouldn’t be useless heaps of despair in the corner of our bedroom, but we shouldn’t feel the pressure to be constantly feeling like this (and thinking that we are lacking something if we don’t):

Okay, that little soliloquy was mostly for my sake. Now I can move on.

 

Twisted insides and happily tired feet.

February 20, 2012 § Leave a comment

I am very worried that on Wednesday I will find out that I won’t get the internship that I interviewed for a week and a half ago. My insides are already weighed down with dread and self doubt. But maybe this is the wake-up call that I need to finally start taking things more seriously. I need to get into motion graphics. It’s the only career path that I want.

In other news, the Cherry Tree Relay in Prospect Park this morning was a lot of fun, despite the fact that it was hard to know when exactly to be ready for the baton hand-off and I had to chase after my teammate after she breezed past me, wondering where I was. There was beautiful weather, though, and no shortage of smiling, supportive faces all around. Later on when I’m on my computer instead of my iPad I will post a couple of the photos that my coach was able to ake.

That’s all I have to report for the night. Twisted insides and happily tired feet. Tomorrow: photography practice and (hopefully) productivity oozing from my ears. What holiday?

I need to get faster.

February 9, 2012 § 2 Comments

I’m not sure if it’s just that I’m not very good at speed work yet or that my irresponsible 23 miles of running on Monday is throwing me for a loop, but this much is clear: I want to make bigger improvements. My ultimate goal for the moment is of course qualifying for New York via the half, but another sub-goal is now to somehow dominate in the 5k.

Big talk for someone whose track workouts have been mediocre at best. But the fire has sparked in me now, so that is the start. I need to embrace the pain that the beast of speed brings. And somehow learn to cultivate that strong finishing kick that I have, the one that is formidable but still flighty and fickle. If I can master conjuring it at will, it can be a powerful asset. It feels like… freedom from physical restrictions; a state in which strength of will and pure joy as a runner can override that ache in the gut or the burning in the lungs. Like an invisible hand from above is lifting me up and propelling me forward. With gusto!

Maybe it’s time to up the core training and be more conscious of carb and fluid intake. (It’s surprisingly much easier to reach my DV for protein than for anything else. Who says vegetarians have problems with getting sufficient protein??) I’ve been making pretty good progress in gradually losing a few unneeded pounds, so that will undoubtedly help as well. We’ll see. Next Wednesday I will definitely be hitting the track with a greater dose of determination.

“Make friends with pain and you will never be alone.” -Ken Chlouber

Weekends are no excuse for laziness.

February 4, 2012 § Leave a comment

Not when you’re in hustling mode like I am, anyway.

I think it all started with my crazy late-night design marathon last weekend. Seriously, I hustled, and it felt so good to actually accomplish that, as rough as it was on my body. If that is what happens when you dilly-dally in procrastination on a Saturday afternoon like I did, then consider my lesson learned. But really, the most valuable part was the gleeful realization in the midst of the craziness of it all that I was having an absolute ball. You can’t beat that.

Still, it hasn’t been smooth sailing, of course. Nagging self doubts will always pop up when people don’t return your emails full of entreaties to work for them for no pay except the mere honor of being able to do so. But, and I do hope I’m not jinxing myself by mentioning it here, I did finally get a kindly response right as I was leaving work for the night, so at the very least there is some sort of light shining from somewhere that will inspire me to take heart and keep chugging along, even if that leads directly to nothing else.

Also! In more exciting news, Coach J has kindly offered to help me with extra speed work on Sunday afternoons. It is exceedingly generous and benevolent on his part, and I am extremely grateful and humbled. My running team is full of such sweet and supportive people, people who are also likewise crazy about running. My social life is lacking in nothing.

Tomorrow’s Schedule:

6:30am wake up, answer freelancing email!!!

7:30-9:30 run

10:30-11:30 haircut

12 lunch with JJ

2 onward: laundry, motion research, new motion projects, design reading, piano practice, cooking….

Where Am I?

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