March 31, 2012 § Leave a comment
Here is my personal wish list of things only I can give to myself:
- Sufficient sleep. Every night.
- Colorful shoes.
- Satisfaction with myself, either because I will be the person who I want to be or because I will be well on my way.
- Meditation when anxiety strikes.
- Making it so that I am proud of my own apartment, how it looks and how it feels.
- More haircuts and fewer cookies.
I am tired of hating myself. Hopefully this helps.
March 30, 2012 § Leave a comment
It’s Friday night, and I’m postponing my shower after a good run. Apparently stuffing myself with junk food for at least 48 hours may sometimes actually make me run faster—unless I’m learning the wrong lesson from all of this? Go figure. (Eight miles at 7:46 pace… say whaaat?) But I’ve been giving into emotional eating, and that’s never a good feeling.
Life after school is a little difficult for me to adjust to emotionally, and it’s something I never realized til now. Being in school gives you structure. You have short-term goals, concrete things that you are working for. After that, what else is certain in life? Retiring in your sixties, and getting old? Yes, there’s a whole lot of life in between that and now, but where’s the structure to help me to get a good grasp and perspective on all of it?
I also never quite realized how strongly a close friend’s big life change could affect my own. Comparisons are drawn, and now here I am. It’s an adventure, or at least it should be. All I want to do is curl up in my room with a small tub of gelato. Oh wait, I just did that, and now the gelato is gone. Oops.
Self-pity, self schmitty. I’ll be over it as soon as I get used to the whole thing a little more. But I think I’m allowed to be a little sad. Better to vent here than on Facebook, anyhow.
March 21, 2012 § Leave a comment
They say that you have to love yourself before you can truly love someone else. Might it also be true that you must love the present in order to prepare well for a satisfying future?
I want to love myself today. I want to be healthy for the sake of feeling good about myself now, not in ten weeks or three months or at the end of the year. I want to be okay with being sad about thoughts that still inhabit my mind instead of wondering when I will learn to forget them, I want to love the company of the friends that I have today instead of worrying about how long or short a time I get to love it. I want to wake up each morning feeling ready for the hours ahead of me and go to sleep each night happy with the effort I’ve put forth and choices that I’ve made.
I don’t want to plan everything out. I have goals, but want to expect surprises.
Mostly, I don’t want three years to go by only to find that I was waiting to enjoy myself.
March 17, 2012 § Leave a comment
Tonight I will take a moment to remember why I will never let anyone make me sad again.
But just a small moment. I blame the red wine. And that slice of glorified brownie. (Something had to balance out the healthiness of quinoa.)
You, you, you will always be you, and I will always be me, and we probably really had very little idea who the other person is, or was, or will end up being.
Now I will close my eyes, let sleep fill my head, and hope that you rush away as dreams do in morning sunlight.
March 16, 2012 § Leave a comment
“How do I stop getting fat?”
“Stop eating so much.”
“Stop eating so much what?”
March 11, 2012 § Leave a comment
That’s right, folks. The tenth week of 2012 officially over, and that puts us a just a little under a fifth of the way through the year. Time passes fast once you pass the age of twenty.
Before you accuse me of being cynical, looking at it ths way actually makes me feel better about things. The freaky newness has worn off, but there is still much of the year left to make improvements in things and considerable progress in goals. Mistakes and slip-ups can still be remedied. A night of overindulgent food and drink can be overlooked in the grand scheme of things, thank goodness.
Today, unlike ten weeks ago, I have started working full time, have now gone rock climbing twice with the intention of going more and more, have made wonderful friends with the people in my running club, have committed to running all of the team’s club points races, have gotten over my dread of track workouts, and have paid off one of my school loans. That’s not a bad start, I’d say.
Time to refresh my year’s resolutions for the next ten-week period. Abstaining from dating is still a good idea while I sort out the instability in my head and try to learn to be more accepting of myself. I will cut out seafood except for fish, and will cut out alcohol except for the occasional glass of wine. I will drink more water and take vitamins daily. I will base my weekly mileage on my running goals instead of on more unreasonable factors. I will get more sleep. I will be better about following the news and forming informed opinions. I will research design daily. I will keep a cleaner apartment.
I like to think about how much has changed since January 1; since this time last year; since this time two years ago. I like to think about where I will be in another yet uncharted year. I am feeling optimistic.
March 4, 2012 § Leave a comment
I ran the Coogan’s Salsa, Blues and Shamrocks 5K today with my fellow Hellgaters. People had been talking about the course being notoriously difficult and hilly, but it was actually a blast—like Bay to Breakers in San Francisco, there was music blasting the whole way, and the hills were temperate and rolling at worst. And the weather was perfect, a brisk 40 degrees free of biting winds. A rather nice day for a race, I’d say!
I also PRed today. I ran a 21:10, which is a 6:50/mile pace. The part that disappointed me, just like in my performance at the Cherry Tree Relay two weeks ago, was knowing that I could have run harder. (I went on a 16.5 mile run at 8:30/mile pace later in the day after refueling on a bit of cereal at home… I mean, come on.) Once again, I held back unnecessarily and ended with a tiny bit of regret and ‘what if’. I guess part of me was a little bit cautious because of the large breakfast I had. I’m not sure if the mega binge that I went on yesterday and this morning helped by giving me more energy, or hindered me by making me feel gross and bloated. Maybe a more controlled version of carbo-loading is in order for my half marathon in two weeks….
So while the PR felt good, it was definitely conservative. (I ran the Hobooken 5k in October in 21:38, or 6:57/mile.) I’m still a long way to go from my goal pace, but at least I’m on track. A few things are clear: 1. The way in which I have been preoccupying myself with my weight needs adjustment, and is hindering me, 2. I need to train smarter, and 3. I need to be more fearless in my running. (Or, as Bruce Lee says, it needs more emotional content… it needs that spark that makes it more than the simple act of placing one foot in front of another, that proves how deep and crucial a part of me it is.) All three are very much interconnected. Lapses in willpower lead to binge eating, which makes me run more than I should to try to burn off the excess, which affects the fire I’m able to apply to my track workouts, which ultimately simulate raceway competitiveness. Hmm. Readjustments indeed.
Nevertheless, the PR after a morning of uncertainty was still encouraging, and I have a good number of races in the coming weeks to look forward to:
- March 18 NYC Half
- April 7 Scotland 10K
- April 21 Jersey Shore Relay
- April 29 Run As One 4M ?
- May 19 Brooklyn Half
On a slightly different note, but speaking of emotional content, how good was the last episode of Glee?? I’m so glad they address these issues like discrimination and bullying and suicide in the way that they do, acknowledging the urgency of creating a more universal sense of tolerance and acceptance and compassion. Life is hell in these situations, and people don’t realize how cruel their actions can be. I have been fortunate enough to not have to face vicious discrimination every day, and I can only imagine how soul-crushing it must be. The courage it must take to persevere…
Spoiler video first, then an amazing regionals performance after: