Midnight musings

May 2, 2012 § Leave a comment

All in all, I’m pretty lucky, and have no reason to complain about anything. Let me remember this always.

I went running tonight. Twelve laps on the outside of the track in the park. It’s lovely when there are a lot of people out late, and the stadium lights are shining bright, especially on a slightly warm night like tonight. I feel like the two weeks “off” that I took did me some good—despite the fact that I can feel the weight gain from the past month and a half, I’ve retained my speed despite losing some strength for endurance, but I would say that’s a pretty good place to be in. During each lap I felt strong and confident, and I felt the associations of empowerment and self-discovery from all my reflective runs from the past two years. Astoria Park is home.

In the end, all I have is myself. But I’m not really very happy with myself most of the time. I guess that’s what makes this world a rather lonely place. Someday, after all other things have faded or altered on their own personal timelines, all I will have to hold onto are the answers to the words, “What have I accomplished? Why should I matter?”

Because home is an ever-changing notion. The world is ever-changing. People are not the same as they were six months ago. I am one of them. I am scared. Of everything. I would rather leave home than be left behind. I would rather turn inward than feel the sting of being ignored. The person I was three years ago, and the people I loved three years ago—does it even matter anymore?

Perhaps it’s time to sleep.

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