October 22, 2012 § Leave a comment
I think that when I harbor unsettled worries, my brain sometimes hopes that by foregoing sleep during the night these worries will somehow resolve themselves eight hours a day faster. Not quite how things actually work, O Soo Hoo.
I am so impatient. Shouldn’t I be enjoying the present, enjoying my youth, enjoying some decent rest and recovery? These days are ever fleeting and I will never experience them again. Always looking further forward I am, always itching to know what lies round the bend, always wanting to prepare. Why don’t I trust my ability to weather things as they come? Always fearful, always unsure, like the child I was, keeping all appendages strictly beneath the covers no matter how hot my blanket, because of my lack of complete certainty that nothing foul was after me from within my bedroom closets.
I can think of one thing right now that would get my nervous mind to hush, that always allows me to find relief and safety in the loving embrace of evening slumber, that allows me to, without fail, appreciate the moment for what it is. I miss it. Does it make me weak, that I cannot be unapologetically independent?
I suppose that is what dreams are: indulgences in the feelings of what isn’t there, of what we hope may someday materialize, through our own actions and values. Projections of the mind, assurances of what will come, because surely they will, for we desire them, and we will prove ourselves worthy. And as our eyelids droop, almost convinced, we can start to taste it, smell its scent, feel its breath and sweetness upon our skin, and can’t we live it? Can’t we call it home?
October 2, 2012 § Leave a comment
There is a certain beauty in sadness. In these certain moments, the voice inside your head whispers to you comfortingly: “No matter how alone you feel, I will always be here with you.” It’s at these times that this truth is at its clearest. And there’s no need to be anyone but yourself. And this leads to freedom, and this leads to possibility.
I think the times when you are sad are the most crucial and pressing for you to do your best work.
October 1, 2012 § 1 Comment
Some days I am just blue blue blue, so blue, and I’ve already had my daily allotment of sicilian pizza. At that point it’s time for bed.
I know all the things that I can blame for this, but I shall leave them unnamed, because I have manners. The main overarching culprit, though, is uncertainty and open-endedness. Well, I just had some pita with hummus, so I guess that helps a little.
Good night, blue night.
September 29, 2012 § Leave a comment
Sometimes I’m tired, overwhelmed, and lack the strength of mind to tackle the urgent but frustrating things that really need to get done. And sometimes the only way I know how to cope with it is to end the night with a nice cheesy slice of Sicilian pizza, a hot cup of lentil soup, and fried eggs with ketchup, and the knowledge that I can go for a therapeutic long run in the morning and burn off all that indulgence.
I don’t mean to complain. The only thing to do is to move forward, quickly and fervently when possible, slowly and surely when necessary. At a certain point I just have to acknowledge that putting things off is stupid and crippling. The same goes with worrying. As a species, we are all quite adaptable, and quite resilient.
I was rereading Franny and Zooey today, and realized that the snippet that Seymour wrote about his happy twenty-first birthday with the family was crushingly sad. The memory of joyful times that can never be experienced again really is a thing of tragedy. Sometimes it is a danger to remember.
My evening was spent in two museums: the Guggenheim and the Met. The Guggenheim was disappointing this time around, because of the space-cramping crowds and the underwhelming photo exhibit on display, but the Met is a treasure. It’s such a beautiful space architecturally, and the corridors to different rooms and exhibits are endless. I could go back dozens of times and still not see everything in there that requires a quiet moment to enjoy.
I am also slowly learning the value of not needing to make a decision right away. Sometimes all you need is a little bit of pleasant company now and then.
September 16, 2012 § Leave a comment
Alrighty, now that that little outburst of hysterics is over, let us move forward, shall we?
If anything, it has strengthened my decision that another marathon to train for would be beneficial to me right now. And I won’t take my training lightly. I haven’t yet thought it completely through, but right now I feel like Nashville on April 27 of next year will be my new target. Plenty of time to build an easy yet thorough base and proper mental preparation, and a promise of fun since it will be with my team. I have two weeks to mull this over and still make the early bird registration price. Number Four, I’ve got my eye on you.
I tried for a bit to fight my insomnia with the 800-page Lore of Running. Not a bad strategy except it did suck me in a little this time and get me a little bit amped up. This sleep thing is really getting old. I need to recharge. The goal is 150 miles by the end of the month, and if I can work back up to 40-mile weeks I’ll be in good shape.
This post was so boring that you have probably long sinced dozed off… And here I am still.
August 1, 2012 § Leave a comment
A week from tomorrow (or today, by the time I’m done with this post) marks my two-year anniversary of moving to New York. I guess maybe it’s a little silly to feel so sentimental about things like this, but I like to keep track of my progress since specific points in the past. It keeps me from wallowing in too much self-pity, I suppose.
I wish I knew how to get some rest. Maybe I’m just never satisfied that I’ve done enough to call it a day. There’s always so much on my to-do list that never gets crossed off that I’m not sure I’ll ever be satisfied. There are serious drawbacks to being a lazy overachiever.
Well, August may be a crazy month as I scramble to see what I can set up after my dream internship expires after the 6-month mark. I will have to make myself be okay with being a hermit workaholic for a while. I miss seeing my running team friends, but my design life requires my full attention until I find comfortable footing. Everything else will just have to wait a bit, and I hope that I have the discipline to give this everything I have. Maybe it’s one of the few times when I can use any feelings of loneliness that I might have to my advantage. I know that as long as I work hard now, happier times will definitely lie ahead.
I am really trying hard to be happier with myself. If I can’t even love myself, then this earth is an incredibly desolate place to wander.